Humor – Zombies Uncensored

If Celebrities Became Presidents

A common tactic in politics is to take some views and expand them to an extreme to make others afraid of them.

One of the most common ones is President Obama will reshape the country into a communist country like Soviet Russia. Even if the President were a devout communist, the slippery slope in American politics isn’t very slippery. The last year has shown even the most powerful person on Earth isn’t powerful enough to reshape America.

This isn’t just a left or right tactic. When Mike Huckabee was running for President, the attacker said the country would become a theocracy like Iran. For Ron Paul, the attack was the country would turn into anarchy like Somalia.

Just because one person isn’t powerful enough to reshape the country doesn’t mean we can’t have fun with the idea. Here are some new forms of government if celebrities were to become President.

Abe Vigoda: Immortal-ocracy
Barbara Walters: Bahwah-ahquacy
Carrot Top: Ginger-ocracy
Charlie Sheen: Rehab-ocracy
Chris Hansen: Itsatrap-ocracy
Joel McHale: Snark-ocracy
Kelly Osbourne: Ozzy-ocracy
Kevin Smith: Twoseat-ocracy
Kim Kardashian: Booty-ocracy
Moot: Anon-ocracy
Nadya Suleman : Octo-ocracy
Snooki: Friggin’ocracy
Snoop Dogg: Hip-ocracy
Tiger Woods: Player-ocracy

TMD;ST – Too Much Debate; Stopped Thinking

After seeing there is yet another health care plan from President Barack Obama, I’m becoming an advocate for ignorance and apathy. There is an eleven page PDF about the Presidents latest proposal and my first thought was to respond with tl;dr (“Too long; didn’t read”). The country needs a retreaded health care proposal about as much as the internet needs another opinion… like this one. At this point one more health care proposal or debate is just tears in rain.

I know my first reaction to something isn’t always the best response. I’ve tried to stay informed on the health care debate. I want to have at least a semi-informed view. After hearing this issued debated through a two-year Presidential campaign and a year of Obama’s Presidency I think there has been enough debate. I’ve heard so much about health care that parts of my brain have gone on strike and are boycotting my natural curiosity.

You know that soft spot on a baby’s head? That is what health care is on my brain. The optimist and lizard portions of my brain have been demanding curiosity supply some good news about the economy. Since natural curiosity has done such a poor job supplying any news to satiate the cries from optimism, other portions of my brain have started listening to ignorance and apathy calls to censor optimism. The ugly mess our nation is in, has been reproduced in my consciousness.

The conspiracy part of my brain is still somewhat active (and trying to convince the logic center that the plethora of health care bills is a plot to bring about this apathetic response). Logic is demanding more proof before it will seriously consider conspiracy’s argument.

The logic center is just out of luck in hopes of further information, because TMD; ST (Too Much Debate; Stopped Thinking.)

Would a Politician Mind Being Slimed?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QbhfbLUtQs

On You Can’t do That on Television, slime was poured whenever someone said, “I don’t know.”

Politicians have no qualms about modifying citizens’ behavior, so it would only be fair to treat them likewise. There should be a political talk show along these same lines as YCDTOTV, but with these rules for when the slime flows:

Accuse opponents of being hypocrites.
Ignores questions to repeat the same talking points they’ve already spouted.
Make appeals to popularity.
Villainize those with differing opinions.
Preach about being a better parent, citizen, student, or spouse.

Saying, “I don’t know” would be perfectly safe on the show, because it’s refreshing when politicians admit they don’t have an answer for everything.

Shaping the Next Generation

Overweight children is only one area where American parents are failing their children. With parents doing such a poor job of raising children, I think it’s time for others to follow Washington D.C.’s example and step up to the plate to help. Bastions of self control and discipline–like Washington D.C.–can’t shape the next generation alone.

Here are some suggestions where others can follow DC’s example and pitch in to help parents raise their children.

John Edwards, Tiger Woods and Mark Sanford could tour schools together and explain the importance of fidelity.
Bernie Madoff could teach the importance of sharing.
John Stewart and Stephen Colbert could explain the harm caused by teasing.
Mary Kay Letourneau and Debra Lafave could warn children about sexual abuse.
Lindsay Lohan should scold children about underage drinking.
John Mayer and Mel Gibson could teach racial sensitivity.
Bristol Palin and Jamie Lynn Spears could explain the dangers of underage sex.
Ben Bernanke and Timothy Geithner can teach the importance of savings accounts.
A bipartisan group of Democrats and Republicans could let children know the damage done by name calling.
Andy Dick could explain good touch/bad touch.
President Obama could speak about the importance of keeping promises.
Keith Olbermann and Sean Hannity could explain logical fallacies, such as the Straw Man and Appeal to Popularity.
Kanye West could talk about the importance of waiting your turn to speak.

What They Really Mean; Bipartisanship

After hearing several calls for bipartisanship, I thought it was time to update the list of words and phrases in political commentary and what they really mean. Politicians cry out for bipartisanship and then turn right around and debase any opposing views.

When politicians call for bipartisanship, it’s political theater to make it sound as though they are open minded and willing to work out a solution, but in reality are saying “I’ll listen to you when you stop being stupid.”

Bipartisanship – My ideas are good ones and the opposition is partisan, because they don’t agree with me.

What They Really Mean; Bipartisanship

Bipartisanship – My ideas are good ones and the opposition is partisan, because they don’t agree with me.

NASA will miss Congressional Deadline for Asteroid Tracking – no Funding Provided from Congress

NASA won’t meet Congressional orders to track most city-smashing-sized asteroids in Earth’s neighborhood by 2020, an expert panel concluded Friday, because the government didn’t provide the money to detect such Near-Earth Objects.

“because for the past 5 years the administration requested no funds, and the Congress appropriated none, for this purpose.” (blogs.usatoday.com/sciencefair)

This issue is not a possibility, its a probability. Sooner or later Earth will be hit by another asteroid that will cause massive amounts of damage.

Bundle up all the things Washington protects us from into one giant cataclysmic ball and it still wouldn’t equal the damage a large asteroid will do.

The mistake is that asteroids are still legal. If asteroids were illegal then there would be ample funding to track and destroy them.

To that end, please help spread one of these rumors about asteroids –

Illegal aliens use asteroids to sneak into America.

Disaster capitalist are plotting to steer asteroids at Earth for profit.

Drug traffickers use asteroids to smuggle narcotics into America.

Global warming is caused from the friction asteroids create entering the atmosphere.

Al-Qaeda is secretly plotting to steer an asteroid into the White House.

Teenagers are getting stoned on Meteorites.

Cheech and Chong “Get it Legal” Tour on Fox and Friends

Cheech and Chong Get it Legal – Comedy tour discussed on Fox and Friends morning show.

They joke for a bit about how Tommy Chong can’t vote for corrupt politicians because of his felony conviction for shipping a bong across a state line. The scary part about the war on drugs is the built-in self defense mechanism drugs laws have. In several states, you can’t vote if you have a felony conviction. It’s a cruel trick to liberty: self-protecting legislation that takes away right to change the law from those who most adamantly oppose it.

Alex Jones calls Glenn Beck a Slimeball Traitor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAYXOpZFXQw

Most of the name calling between the pundits isn’t very news worthy, but Alex Jones sounds so much like Sam Kinison its difficult not to laugh even when he is being serious.

Jones compares Beck to Grima Wormtongue in Lord of the Rings. Its a bit dated, but I think of most TV pundits as Larry ‘Lonesome’ Rhodes from A Face in the Crowd.

Poll: Who or what is really to blame for the disaster in Haiti?

There has been a lot of political discussion about the tragedy in Haiti. Below is a list of several possible explanations, gathered from the internet and TV. Please vote for what you believe is the most likely cause of the disaster.

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