I’ve received many complaints from zombies that they do not wish to be compared to mindless humans. The comparisons are most prevalent in the global warming debate. Statements such as “skeptics are brainwashed mindless zombies” or “AGW believers are alarmist’s cult of zombies” are fueling zombie resentment towards humans.
As one zombie put it – “We have no brains to wash! We are zombies; we don’t know how to organize. Where do humans get off calling us a cult?! The only thing zombies are alarmed about is a brain shortage.”
I asked a zombie for his take on the global warming debate and was surprised by the candid answers.
When asked about graphs showing a rapid increase in global temperatures the zombie had some passionate and unexpected responses.
“Hockey stick bad, hockey stick hurt, hockey stick should be baaaaaaaaanned.”
I then showed graphs showing no change or temperature drops.
“Looks like broken glass. Urgh. Hurts to look; take away.”
Graphs indicating climate change supporting man made climate change or graphs disputing climate change were met with similar pained expressions.
“Make it stop, all look the same. No more graphs, you sadist. I’m just a zombie. How the Hell should I know if the planet is warming?”
I was still curious to find out the zombie perspective on the global warming debate, so I pushed the zombie for more information by threatening to bring the graphs back out if he didn’t answer.
The consensus among humans is that climate change is real and man-made. Is there a consensus among zombies?
“Zombies like humans to argue about climate change because it makes their brains tender. Zombies don’t spend time deciding if something is popular or not, because zombies have never been popular.”
The zombie was very optimistic about climate change based upon the possible scenarios.
If climate change real and man-made
Human leaders develop plan to change human behavior.
Human leaders all agree on same plan. (Zombie chuckles)
All Humans follow the plan. (Zombie laughs up a lung)
If climate change real and some man-made
Humans argue and argue about what to do.
Climate warms, more humans die, zombies rule!
If climate change real and not man-made
Most humans not thinking about this. Some humans talk about it; zombies plan to eat their brains.
Climate change unknown
If all humans die…zombies die.
“Humans worry more about possibility than probability. There is a possibility life on earth could be destroyed by global warning while the probability over time that life on earth will be wiped out by an asteroid is near 100%.
“Humans could learn from zombie behavior. Once humans discover we have taken over an area, they band together and attack the local zombie hangout. They always forget the natural behavior of zombies is to wander; they forget to look in the cellars and abandoned factories which inevitably leads to a sequel.”
I began to feel a bit sorry after inflicting pain upon the zombie and decided to stop displaying the graphs. There is a strong consensus on the dangers of listening to mindless zombies, so I decided it was time to end the zombie’s pain and cut off his head with a chainsaw.
Stupid mindless zombie won’t get my brain!